Clean that up. Yes – you! Goggle-eyes. The rest of us are working our socks off here and there you are slouching about in the corner like none of this is anything to do with you. THIS IS YOUR FAULT! All of it. If you hadn’t turned that tap off, we wouldn’t have to be doing this in the first place. I’m so mad with you. This is the first time – in centuries, thank you very much – that anyone from this organisation has had to abort the mission early because of an internal error. I hope you’re proud of yourself. USE THAT BLOODY MOP!

If you’ve got any filing that hasn’t been taken care of, please place it in this crate right here where it will be confidentially shredded and recycled.

Anything that you want to take with you – though frankly, thanks to our friend with the mop there, it all looks shot to shit – please label it clearly.

You’ve all done a great job. I know I sound grumpy, and I don’t mean to shout – EXCEPT AT YOU, MOP HEAD! – I’m just gutted that it’s over. This was a really good mission and who knows where we’ll end up next? Not together, that’s for sure, we’ll all be mixed up and I’ve enjoyed working with nearly all of you.

I think that’s as tidy as we’re going to get it. Let’s get the hell out of here. Form an orderly queue, ladies and gents, that’s it. Single file. The exit door is always much smaller than the entrance – don’t blame me, I don’t write the rules.

You with the mop – I’m tempted to leave you in here but humans are keen on doing autopsies these days and I’m not having the cover of our entire race blown by leaving you in here to be discovered by a scalpel. Come on, come on, out of the ear canal with everybody else. All 21 grams of us.

Will the last one out please turn off the lights?

This is a repost of a piece that was originally posted back in September 2014. It was originally presented here, and you can see other writing from the same week here. We’ll be sharing Elephant Memories with you for the next few weeks, while we break for Christmas.

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Alex Jury

Alex Jury is a retired cowgirl, now working as a copywriter in London. She loves working with words but misses all the lassoing.

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