Police report from Friday 13 Jul 2012

From the notebooks of Officer Lyons, Ref 3341276

The suspect took quite some shaking to wake up. When we first found him his head was nose-deep in a Big Meaty Burger Extra Value Meal from the nearby McDanald’s (a trademark infringement case in waiting, I suspect!)

He explained that he had gathered with a group of like-minded souls in a nearby watering hole to celebrate the homecoming of Mr Jones. Mr Jones had spent a year in South Korea teaching English to children and had had to leave in a hurry. (We didn’t get the full details on that one.)

Anyway – the pub that Mr Jones had elected for the gathering was a non-brewery affiliated establishment known locally as The Crown. (I say ‘known locally’ as the sign was stolen about twenty years ago and the pub is actually called The Soul’s Reprieve.) That particular night The Crown/Soul had a deal on cherry beer (very tasty actually) and so the suspect, his seven friends and Mr Jones assembled there and, over the course of the evening, consumed, each, about ten pints of the stuff.

What happened next is anyone’s guess, but Mr Jones does appear to have been dragged into the forest behind McDanalds (can Insp. Georg in copyrights maybe look in to this one, just while I remember) tied to stake and burned.

Mr Jones doesn’t recall the incident with any clarity but has suggested that Mr Jones had perhaps exhibited some magical powers, and so they had tried him for being a warlock (male witch) and sentenced him to a fiery death.

We are currently trying to track down the other attendees of the ‘party’ (via the social networking site facebook, naturally) and hope to form a fuller picture of what happened that night very shortly.

In the meantime I have requested that The Crown / The Soul’s Reprieve return to selling its cherry beer at the previous full retail price.

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David Baillie is a freelance writer and artist. Born almost thirty years ago in Scotland, he now lives and works in the East End of London.

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