This will be a difficult year for you. Things will start out badly, and they will only go downhill from there.

Now is not a good time to embark on important new projects, or to attempt the formation of any new relationships, significant or otherwise.

March will be an emotional month. Sensing your newfound sense of maturity, several of your closest family members will attempt to divulge long-held personal secrets to you. However, your self-centered hang-ups will threaten to overshadow the importance of their problems, and they will eventually come to resent the fact that they ever opened up to you.

This year, your personal relationships will become strained. On his birthday, your boyfriend will ask you to perform certain sexual acts which you will find morally repugnant, surprising yourself with your own prudishness. For the rest of July, you will awkwardly rebuff his every attempt to talk about that night.

In September, you will resign from the first job you ever earned on your own. Walking home that evening, a strange and unexpected impulse will cause you to enter a smoky old bar on Main Street. The place will be twenty years too old for you. The beer will be watery, and the carpet will smell of spilled wine and mold. In this bar you will strike up a conversation with the piano player, and eventually you will allow him to take you home. You will talk all night, pouring out your soul. In the morning you will leave without waking him, and you will never see each other again.

In November, you will fail to notice an oncoming fire engine as you cross the street outside your local convenience store. You will be lost in your own thoughts, idly considering breaking up with your boyfriend. You will not hear the sirens because your earphones will be in, and you will be listening to The Arcade Fire on repeat at three-quarters volume, as you always do when you are feeling insecure.

And you won’t see it coming. And you won’t feel a thing.

And that gum you like will come back in style. And your favorite band will break up after the death of the lead singer.

Now is not a good time to embark on important new projects.

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Xander Bennett

Xander Bennett rearranges words for fun and profit. Read a preview of his new book at www.cagescomic.com.

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