One more step. Just one step is all that is between me and a sheer drop hundreds of feet to the ocean below. There is no doubt that I am afraid; however, I am not sure what I am most fearful of: the fall or living.
My insides have coiled up like a knotted snake writhing to escape. My eyes burn from the tears in combination with the winds whipping up the sides of the cliff. My legs have frozen in place waiting for some signal to go forward or back.
I know the pain at my back. It is a familiar gnawing ache that never quite goes away. It lives in my head, spreading to my heart and lungs as a cancerous wildfire. It is a sadness that stirs my emotions, leaving me helpless, lying in a miserable heap on the floor. It is a wonder I managed to climb this far, this high.
I teeter forward. The icy ocean breeze overtakes me. I imagine free falling, landing with a splash into the cool waters below. It is a refreshing thought, cleansing the bad things floating around up there. I sigh. A sense of relief washes over me.
Standing there, eyes closed, I feel a sudden chill crawl up my legs from my toes to my knees, causing them to tremble and quake. I look down. A sickness wells up in my stomach and into my throat. I watch the waves crash on the rocks with a force that makes the ground underneath my feet shake. My weight shifts back. I’m not ready for this.
From behind me, a hand reaches out for mine. I grab hold. A warmth travels up my arm and I turn to meet the eyes of a savior. I only see love, absent of fear. I take a step and meet solid ground.