How the War Began
Ladies and gentlemen, before I announce the findings of our recent scientific inquiries, I believe it would be rather remiss of me not to place them in a proper historical context.
For many thousands of years there has been one source of disagreement and conflict which has vexed mankind like no other. One simple area of the human experience which has given rise to more disputes and acrimony than any other topic, and that, my dear friends, is quite simply – religion!
From the earliest times man has argued over whose God is greater; whose God is real and, even more fundamentally, whether there is any God at all. Christians have fought with Muslims, Muslims have fought with Hindus, and pretty much everyone has fought with the Jews. Even those who don’t believe there is a God have joined the fray, as on many occasions we’ve seen the forces of secular, atheist governments take arms against the forces of religion.
The only reasonable response to this is to seek quantifiable scientific proof. Is there a God? The only way to be sure would be to die; as that’s the one time I think we can all agree that we will finally meet our maker. And so I, with the help of my learned colleagues, have taken it upon myself to explore this undiscovered country which we call death. I, ladies and gentlemen, have been to the other side, and I am now in a position to finally reveal to you… the truth.
The truth, my very good friends, is that despite the very extensive earthly success of the major religions, it turns out that the Poga Poga tribe of the Amazon basin were right all along. God is a tiny terrapin who wants nothing more than to be gently held.
And so, people of Earth, before we move on in a new era of peace and understanding, in which we can do little more than celebrate the universal brotherhood of man, it simply remains for me to ask if there are any questions you have for me?
Yes… yes, I see… the gentleman two rows back… with the blue jacket and your hand in the air, what would you ask of me?
“I was just… well… just wondering… um… exactly how would he like to be gently held?”