Be great at being late – ten top tips for truly terrific tardiness!
1. Be consistent. Arrive 20 minutes late for everything. People will become accustomed to it and change their habits to suit yours.
2. Lie big. Forget leaves on the line or being caught in traffic; get ambitious in your excuses. And always preface your lie with an act of heroism you carried out on the way (“After I’d rescued the cat from the house fire….”)
3. Delay, delay, delay. Don’t phone in the moment you wake up. Have a shower. Breakfast. Read the papers. You’re going to be late anyway, you might as well take your time over it.
4. Be honest – once in every twenty latenesses, tell the truth. You were out late drinking. You stayed up til 3 watching movies. You simply couldn’t be bothered. The truth will keep people on their toes.
5. Never, ever look guilty.
6. Don’t get defensive when challenged. Saying you’re sorry but you tried is a surefire way of annoying everyone else who tried and managed to get there on time. Refer to number 5.
7. You are fair game for mockery when you are late. Celebrate your lateness, perhaps with a nonchalant bow.
8. Don’t run. You’ve seen enough courtroom dramas to know that sweaty equals guilty. Refer to number 5.
9. When offered advice for more effective time management, listen and say “you’re right”.
10. Ignore all advice.