Boiling Point

You are through to Utilities R Us to enable us to deal with your enquiry as quickly as possible please choose from the following: dial 1 for billing and accounts, dial 2 to advise us that you are moving, dial 3 if you are experiencing difficulties with our service and dial 4 if you want to make a payment or set up a Direct Debit.

I hate these things. Why can’t I just talk to a human being? Shit! I’m going to have to redial now.

Your call is important to us. Please hold the line and one of our advisors will be glad to help you as soon as they become available.

Lady in Red-seriously? I may just have to stab myself in the ears before one of your advisors can be arsed to answer the bloody phone. I can’t even make myself a cuppa. Dial 3 if your electricity is out and it feels as though your entire flat is obsolete. I wonder how long it’d take to boil water over a tealight?

What a day! The number of callers waiting just keeps going up. Tom keeps doing that bloody ‘wrap it up’ motion in my face. When’s the last time he jumped on the phones?

We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls. Please note that we now offer many of our services via our website at If you do need to speak to an advisor please ensure that you have your account number to hand.

Website? I HAVE NO ELECTRICITY! I hope that my phone holds out…maybe I should stop tweeting at them and save some battery power. I swear I’m gonna build one of those eco house thingies in the middle of fuckin’ nowhere. Shit, this tea tastes like dusty patchouli.

I’d love a tea right now…come to think of it I really need a wee. Comfort break? I’d just like to sack it off and head home. The system has crashed on me 5 times this afternoon. The customers think I’m stalling for time. No, the tech really is that shite.

Your call is important to us. Please hold the line and one of our advisors will be glad to help you as soon as they become available.

How many people do they have answering the bloody phones? I bet they’re all sitting around drinking tea and dunking biscuits. First dunker to need a spoon has to answer the next call. No Rich Teas allowed.

If I have to apologise one more time. Pisses me off that they want to spend a good ten minutes complaining about how long they’ve been waiting on the phone. Boo hoo, I’ve been on this phone for 6 hours-I win. I still need a wee.

Our current call waiting time is 40 minutes. Please note that our telephone lines are open 8am to 8pm Monday to Saturday. If your call is not urgent please callback again later or access our services online at

Never saw you looking as lovely as you did tonight…mmm mmmm mmm bright. I’ve been waiting over half an hour I’m going nowhere until I speak to someone. My ear is on fire…wonder if I can boil water using my phone. Can I order tea for delivery?

My back is killing me. This hot desking malarky is doing nothing for my posture. I need a break-it just took me ages to wrap-up my last call and then I accidentally deleted my note and had to start again. I was due to have a break 15 minutes ago but Tom keeps pulling a traffic cop on me and sticks his hand in my face. I’ll bite his bloody finger off if he points at me again.

Both our telephone lines and our advisors are currently experiencing meltdown, please call again tomorrow when we will resume our usual gold star service. We apologise to our customers for any inconvenience caused. Please dial 6 to take part in our customer feedback survey.


The following two tabs change content below.
Amanda Bird

Amanda Bird

Amanda has always thought of herself as an armchair traveller, and since early childhood books and stories have provided the portal to other worlds. Her love of reading sparked a passion for writing and she has been writing stories since... a very long time ago! She now lives in Hove, and the view allows space for her imagination to roam.
Amanda Bird

Latest posts by Amanda Bird (see all)

There are no comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Please enter an e-mail address