Samurai Uprising

– New Game
– Arcade
– Samurai Battle
– Controls
– Extras

“Choose ‘New Game’.”
“Yeah, but that’s only one player?”
“No, no it’s two as well. It says so in the booklet.”
“OK.”

– New Game

– ‘Japan. 1877. For years the Samurai have been the revered keepers of peace in ancient Japan.  However, now Emperor Meiji, wishing to gain influence in ‘civilised’ Europe, has outlawed all Samurai. One by one this once proud and noble warrior race is being hunted down and wiped out.”

“Cool.”
“This is gonna kick ass man.”
“Come on, what are you doing?”
“What?”
“Press ‘start’ to continue”
“Oh yeah!”

– Choose Character
– Player 1 –

Minamoto Yoshiie, 35
Weapon = Katana
Fighting skills = 92%
Speed = 67%
Stamina = 89%

 

“Hey, he looks cool.”
“Nah, he’s an old man, too slow. I’m trying the next one.”

– Player 1 –

Miyamoto Musashi, 26
Weapon = Katana & Wakizashi
Fighting skills = 84%
 Speed = 79%
Stamina = 84%

“Woh, two swords, cool!”
“Yeah, but look, his fighting skills aren’t as good.”
“Weird, wouldn’t he be better with two?”
“Dunno, maybe it’s easier to concentrate on one.”
“Maybe. Anyway, aren’t you gonna join in.”
“I. um, yeah, what do I do?’
“Press ‘select’ you muppet.”
“OK.”

– Player 2 –

Minamoto Yoshiie, 35
Weapon = Katana
Fighting skills = 92%
Speed = 67%
Stamina = 89%

“Not this old codger again, I’m going round the other way.”
“Not if I get there first!”

– Player 2 –

Honda Tadakatsu, 24
Weapon = Long Spear
Fighting skills = 85%
Speed =79%
Stamina =88%

 “Nope”

 – Player 1 –

Minamoto Tametomo, 29
Weapon = Bow and Arrow
Fighting skills = 71%
Speed = 94%
Stamina =79%

“What the fuck! Bows and arrows are gay!”

– Player 2 –

Sasaki Kojiro, 27
W
eapon = Nodaci
Fighting skills = 94%
Speed = 92%
Stamina 94%

“Shit. This guy looks awesome.”
“Let’s see. What the hell’s a ‘nodaci.’
“Fuck knows, but look at his stats.”
“Oh, you butt weasel! He looks awesome. I’ll have to choose one of these other losers now.”

– Player 1 –

Honda Tadakatsu, 24

“No!”

– Player 1 –

Minamoto Yoshiie, 35

“No!”

– Player 1 –

Miyamoto Musashi, 26

“Go on then two swords. Select”
“Ok, game on.”
“Sweet…Wait. Why’s it not starting?”
“I dunno.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, have you even selected your character yet?’
“Yeah, I’m having this nodaci guy.”
“Yeah, I know but have you actually pressed ‘select’ yet?”
“I, uh, um, no.”
“You’re such a muppet. I’m so gonna kill you, even though we’re on the same team.”
“No way, you’re not even gonna get close.”
“Just press the friggin button man.”

 – Stage 1 –

Satsuma Domain – Training

‘In rebellion against the Emperor, a band of Samurai have amassed in Satsuma Domain on the island of Kyushu, where, under the tutelage of the legendary Saigo Takamori, they train for a fight to the death against the Emperor’s armed hordes.”

 – Loading… 1%

“Right, do you know the buttons?”
“Um, X is attack, Y is block.”
“No. Y is attack, X is jump, A is block and B is crouch. A crouching attack is Y and B together. A jumping attack is X and Y together, you can block while jumping and crouching by pressing A and the either B or X, and you can use the top buttons to change you attack stance and add combos to your attack.”
“Um. O.K. I’m just gonna press buttons until something good happens.”

 – Loading… 86%

“For God’s sake, frickin load already.”

“Boys!”
“Oh fuck.”
“Boys. Boys can you hear me?”
“Yes mum.”
“Boys, dinner’s ready.”
“Mum, can we, can we have it in here?”
“No you can not. Your dinner’s on the table and me and your father are waiting for you.”
“But mum, we’ve just started…”
“Boys, if this is to do with this blasted computer game then I can always take it back to the shop.”

“Do we really?”
“Uhh, yeah, I guess we have to.”
“Oww!”

“Boys, me and your mother are waiting. Get yourselves here now!”
“Come on then – Coming dad.”       

– Pause

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Tim Waltho

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