The Weed Files

May 15th
Ecstatic! Garden is finally complete; Daffodills all in perfect bloom, Crocuses open, Peonies planted in small patch next to veranda. Beautiful! Pulled out last of weeds then had celebratory cup of Earl Grey with Chocolate Digestive. Uploaded photo of finished masterpiece as screensaver. Cecilia Tewesbury-Barton has no chance this year, sneaked a look over fence; Azaleas haven’t even opened yet and only one week till judging! Scrabble word of the day: Exultant – double letter score on T, double word score. 32 points.

May 16th
Rain! All day! And muggy. Stayed in, watched Countdown, played Scrabble, had extra Chocolate Digestive with 3‘o’clock cup of Earl Grey (deserved). Best Scrabble word ever; Victory – double letter score on V, triple word score. 57 points

May 17th
Weeds back! Rain and warmth must have drawn them out. Never mind, all pulled up, garden looking even more fantastic. Only five days till crowned best garden in Weston-Sub-Edge. Already planning acceptance speech and picturing look on Cecilia Tewesbury-Barton’s face handing over golden rose trophy. Delightful! Would look lovely in vestibule. Five Cups of Earl Grey, six Chocolate Digestives. Scrabble word of the day: Buoyant – triple word score. 36 points

May 18th
Weeds! Again! In exactly same place as yesterday. Know this because took before and after shot of Hydrangea patch. Not happy, smell something fishy. Cecilia Tewesbury-Barton must be behind sudden weed revival. Have her worried! Earl Grey running low, on to regular Digestives. Scrabble word of the day; Finagle – triple letter score on F and G. 23 points.

May 19th
For Christ’s sake! Where are they all coming from? Weeds everywhere! In greenhouse, sprouting from rockery, around water feature. Took three hours to de-weed. Sprayed entire garden with Weed-No-More, guarantees all weeds killed instantly. Peered over Cecilia Tewesbury-Barton’s fence, Azaleas still not open! Even for her this is low, must have snuck in late last night to plant them. Must set up midnight vigil to ensure any further late night sabotage missions are scuppered. On to emergency rations of Assam, four cups. Eight Digestives. Scrabble word of the day; Furtive – double word score. 26 points

May 20th
Sneaked out at half twelve last night with bag of weeds, trowel, kneeler and stepladder. Climbed over Cecilia Tewesbury-Barton’s fence, planted weeds between bluebells, around Hydrangeas and in front of award-winning rosebush, took clipping, serves her right! Escaped just as bedroom light turned on. Had satisfying cup of Assam and Digestive upon return. Scrabble word of the day; Revenge – double letter score on V and N. 16 points

May 21st
Disaster! Absolute unrivalled disaster! Woke up to garden decimated; Daffodills, Crocuses, Peonies, all ruined, grey, wilted. Sat down and wrote extremely strong-worded letter to makers of Weed-No-More. Cried into Assam. On top of this, letter through door form Gardens-In-Bloom directors. Inside notice of disqualification from best garden in Weston-Sub-Edge competition attached to photo of me climbing out of Cecilia Tewesbury-Barton’s garden taken from bedroom window. Also banned from entering for next five years! Disaster! Too depressed to play scrabble. Digestives all gone!

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Tim Waltho

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