It’s been a tough year so far.
Heh, you probably think that’s me being “passive aggressive” again but it’s not. It’s definitely not this time. I’m used to the occasional embarrassment or angst but it’s been a constant stream of humiliation and anguish this year. It’s a bit much really. It’s like everyone got together and decided that I needed to be taken down a peg or two in 2012. Even I have to admit it fits in nicely with the Jubilee and the Olympics.
But I’m coping. I got the Lost boxset for my birthday and I’ve been making my way through that, treating myself to the occasional glass of wine and just generally making time for myself. It’s really weird without you, I miss you. I can go days without thinking about you now but when you come back the sadness still leaves me dazed.
I took the responsibilities you gave me seriously even though it was exhausting being taken for granted all the time. I know now that I should have been a stronger person. If I had been, maybe things wouldn’t have ended the way they did. But I loved you and I was never the type of person who’d put you in your place, however much we both wanted me to. Whenever the shit hits the fan or things get complicated, it’s always been my default reaction to fanaticise about disappearing. It’s a simple dream involving chucking a few choice items in the back of the car and taking off without explanation, leaving everything else behind. That’s what I was thinking all those times I was quiet.
I suppose most people would call that running away but I’ve always thought about it as disappearing. It’s not hard to see where this fantasy came from, you know the story already. Yes, it’s the dream of a person cursed with reliability but it’s also the dream of a person who knows what the reaction is when you reappear. When I lived in London, I thought about all the friends I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to all the time but it never crossed my mind that they wondered about me too. When I came back as a College kid, even people I barely remembered were pleased to see me! They wanted to know why I hadn’t come back after that half-term and, even though the answer was an anti-climax, they sat and listened to me. Really listened.
Kitty, this is my attempt to get you to listen to me.
I know things will never be the same and that we might not even be acquaintances again let alone friends but I need you to know all of this. I need you to know because I’ve watched four series of Lost in the space of two and a half weeks and I’m getting through a bottle of red wine every two days and the only time leaving the house isn’t a struggle is when I have to go to work. 2012 has been so bad that thoughts of going through with the disappearing act have been constantly on my mind. I could never do it though. Mum’s getting on, and things are starting to happen at work, and I don’t actually have the funds to go AWOL for more than a month. Heh, pathetic, isn’t it? I’d love to be able to go and get that same reaction from you when I eventually got back but the timing’s never right. It would just be enough if I knew that you thought about me too…
So read this. And look out for reminders of me.