The Hottest Dog in Town

If I can hustle a place outside Wembley I’m well pleased. I usually only go if there’s a match on – sometimes if there’s a concert but I don’t do as well out of those. Drunk blokes are my meat and drink.

I normally charge £4 for a regular dog if I’m working close to home but if I’m outside Wembley it’s £7. Captive, hungry, drunk audiences will pay anything. You can make a grand a day at these prices, no word of a lie.

It gets hot working on the stall, especially if it’s sunny. I hate summer for that reason but it does round up a lot of custom. Mind you, there’s no shelter to be had when it rains, which is much of the time, so I think I earn my money.

The dogs come in big tins. I sloop the water out and put them in plastic containers. The night before I’m working I put a welding mask on and chop about a billion onions and stick them in a plastic bag. All I have to do the next day is slosh oil over the hotplate, chuck on handfuls of onions and, before I know it, I’ve got a queue. I branched out a bit last year and went in for the sauces and toppings in a big way – makes it easier to charge more. My customers don’t just get mustard, they get jalapenos, hot chilli sauce, ketchup, barbecue and onion relish. They’re all 50p but if they want cheese sauce then that’s a quid extra. It’s easy to do, just peel off a cheese slice (I’ve used babybels when supplies have run low) and whack it on top of the dog. They cook in seconds, down into a slushy sauce. The punters love it.

Sometimes, if I’m in the mood and I need the cash, I do a competition. I call it The Great Dane. It’s £20 but if you can eat it all in under 2 minutes then you get the dog for free. The Great Dane is:

8 hotdogs in a foot long baguette

4 ladles of superhot chilli

8 cheese slices

4 babybels tucked under the dogs

2 handfuls of jalapenos

4 onions, sliced, diced and fried

No one’s managed it yet so it’s a total money spinner. This job is so easy, it’s like taking sweets from a baby.

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Alex Jury

Alex Jury

Alex Jury is a retired cowgirl, now working as a copywriter in London. She loves working with words but misses all the lassoing.
Alex Jury

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