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Never Smile At A Crocodile

Contributed by on 04/07/12

We’d normally have a swim when we get there but I’m afraid we won’t be doing that today – we’ve got a snapping handbag in the creek. Yep. During the wet season, the waters rise and cover most of the land here, so the crocs can move around wherever they like. And when the waters drop again they just settle in the nearest pool. And this fella’s moved right into my favourite bathing spot.

Still, it’s very pretty up there so we’ll take a walk through the forest and go and take a look. We can cool off with a swim later on. Baseball caps off please while we go through the forest – lots of golden orb spiders in here and they’re very poisonous. You wearing a baseball cap, you can accidentally walk right into one of their webs without knowing it and end up with a deadly spider on your head. You wouldn’t want that!

Right, this way.

We probably won’t see the croc so don’t get too excited. He’ll be sleeping somewhere cool. Even if you do see him, you probably won’t know – he’ll look just like a log floating in the water. The water’s not that clear either, it’s hard to see ‘em. Bear that in mind when we go for a swim later! Hah, just kidding. The rangers keep a careful eye on where the crocs are and they put fishing floats in the water just in case. The salties often mistake them for fish and have a chew – you see one of those fishing floats with a bite taken out of it, you scream blue murder and get the hell out of the water!

They’re very intelligent these crocs, did you know they haven’t evolved for millions of years? They haven’t had to. They’re perfect killing machines. And don’t start thinking you’ll be safe on land – boy, these crocs can run 10mph, faster than most of you by the look of you! My advice is to get up a tree. Course, crocs are very clever and very patient – he’ll wait a week, easily, for you to fall out of that tree, without batting an eyelid.

Right, here we are. Beautiful pool isn’t it? Honestly, it’s a great swim – it’s a shame old scalyknickers got in there before we did. No sign of him. See – I told you, he’ll be sleeping – or watching us with his beady eyes, disguised as a log. Ha, just kidding! We’re totally safe on this platform. I mean, yes, crocs can jump – really high too, they propel themselves with their tails and jump right up in the air to catch prey. And I tell ya, the sound of their jaws slamming together is like two great planks of wood colliding. Jesus.

Like I say, it’s totally safe. I know you’ve all heard about that boy who got taken by a croc here last year but that was foolish carelessness on the part of the guide. Some of these guys have been working here for years and they get so damn complacent. That’s when accidents happen.

But you get a feel for the place after a while and you get to know how these old dinosaurs like to operate. That’s why I know we’re safe standing here, even though it’s right out onto the water – I’ve never seen a croc buzzing about round here. You know, I could put my hand right into the water and he wouldn’t come and bother us. Let me show you…

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