The Mundane Misadventures of Captain Obvious

Contributed by on 23/06/12

I don’t know how I became the type of person that sees a lone jigsaw puzzle piece on the pavement and immediately thinks deep, meaningful, pretentious thoughts but I am. I blame Dawson’s Creek.

I was on my way in to town with a book when I saw it. It was just sitting there with a spat out, ground in glob of used chewing gum for a neighbour. I almost had an excitement-wee when I spotted the pair. It was like a ready-made, if rather clunky, metaphor for life. Certainly my life over the last few months.

I decided to take a picture of it. This was difficult considering it was raining quite hard and I was holding a brolly in one hand and an awkward carrier bag in the other but then I was never much of a decision-maker. As I contemplated my plan of action, I also noticed that my headphones and the music pouring out of them were making me feel a tad off balance. Never useful when you’re about to perform a rather odd juggling act in full view of the general public. But I somehow managed to snap off a couple of pictures without getting wet. I’m not sure my dignity survived without a drenching though.

Once I’d gotten to town and secreted myself away in the back corner of the coffee shop, I had a look at the photos I’d taken. I was surprised at how well they’d come out but, to my dismay, I couldn’t think of anything more to say about them but the ridiculously bloody obvious. In fact, feel free to call me “Captain Obvious” if you like.

I knew then that if Captain Obvious could choose a super-power, it would definitely be the ability to read people’s minds. I’ve previously always been in the x-ray vision camp of course but that would be so impractical; I’d never get anything done and, knowing my luck, I’d probably get arrested. So no, I realised then and there it would be a lot more useful to see people naked in a different sort of way. If I could read people’s minds, I’d know what they wanted, what they expected of me. I wouldn’t have to guess and get it so wrong all the time.

If I could read minds, I wouldn’t find other people sooo… baffling, fascinating and utterly frustrating. I was once concerned that I was on the misanthropic end of the Autism Spectrum but then I realised that my feelings for other people were born out of love, and that my awkwardness was merely an unwelcome personality-trait. That’s why I could watch other people for hours. I’m a huge telly addict but I find people-watching infinitely more interesting. It’s part of the reason I love the coffee shop so much; the rich tapestry of life and all that. If I could read minds, I could counteract my awkwardness with knowing. I’d know what to say and what to do, and I could even help other ex-Dawson’s Creek fans out with their problems too.

And maybe if I could read people’s minds I’d know whether to give up hope, and if the girl behind the counter was always so friendly because she was willing to be my salvation.

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