PC 방 Investigates

‘I don’t even know how to pronounce that,’ Dustin complained.
‘PC 방,’ Cherry said.
‘That’s easy for you to say!’

방’s car slowed to a halt three and a half metres from their feet. Exactly.
As PC 방 emerged from the vehicle both Dustin and Cherry drew taught and saluted.
‘Police Chief!’ said Dustin.
‘Police Chief 방’ said Cherry, just a beat later, showing off.

‘Officers,’ 방 said, ‘Thank you for waiting for me.’
He took a slug of Chinese lychee wine. Dustin winced at the thought of an officer of the law drinking on duty, but knew that allowances were made for 방’s many eccentricities.

They approached the suspect who was, by now, cuffed to the fence. Dustin licked his lips – he couldn’t wait to see 방’s legendary interrogation techniques first hand.

‘Remove his trousers,’ 방 said to Dustin.
‘?’ Dustin replied.
Cherry looked at Dustin, pursed her lips and nodded as if to say ‘Just do what he says, idiot!’
Dustin uneasily approached the suspect, who looked even more alarmed than he had when they first arrested him and handcuffed him. Dustin undid the belt and, even though the suspect struggled, pulled down his trousers to reveal two hairy legs and a pair of spotty boxer shorts.

‘Good,’ 방 said, ‘Now touch his left knee.’
Dustin’s eyes widened – was this some sort of test? He clamped his teeth together and obeyed.
‘Excellent,’ 방 said, ‘Now describe it to me.’
‘Describe… It?’
‘Yes,’ 방 said, ‘Using words.’
‘Erm,’ Dustin said, ‘It’s knobbly. And hairy. And the skin reminds me of chicken.’
‘Then he is guilty,’ 방 said, discarding the lychee wine in a nearby hedge.

Dustin stood up and glanced at Cherry as 방 got back in his car.
‘That man’s a genius,’ Cherry said.
And he was.

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David Baillie is a freelance writer and artist. Born almost thirty years ago in Scotland, he now lives and works in the East End of London.

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