What I Did On My Holiday
1. Pick a random-sounding place, in the most obscure part of the world, as far away as you can afford to fly.
2. When people ask where you’re going and furrow their brows at your reply, mock their ignorance with a surprised, ‘Pfffft….!’ and an incredulous, ‘Do you mean you haven’t heard of it?’ even though you only found it by sticking a pin randomly in an atlas.
3. Anywhere that doesn’t use the Latin alphabet is good, but jungle or any other hostile terrain is bettter.
4. Try and get an obscure travel publication to take you on as a blogger to offset the cost of your trip and raise your profile.
5. Internet connection at regular intervals during your trip is a must, otherwise you won’t be able to boast globally via a constant stream of Facebook status updates. Don’t forget to include a lot of exclamation marks.
6. No-one bothers with post since email arrived – but you do. Emails can be deleted without reading, it takes a postcard to really hammer the point home.
7. No matter where you go, don’t waste time learning the language beforehand. Everyone speaks English, everywhere. Do learn some, however, when you’re out there. ‘Cheers’, ‘goodbye’ and ‘of course’ can be easily inserted into any conversation you have on your return.
8. On the trip itself, give things a go but if the terrain/extreme sports on offer/unappetising and possibly poisonous cuisine/lethal wildlife are too much for you, establish a seat at the bar of a popular watering-hole and get people to tell you their stories so you can make them your own when get you back.
9. On your return, if it seems like someone’s switching off while you’re telling an anecdote, narrow your eyes, look into the distance and say, wistfully, ‘I guess you just can’t understand if you haven’t been there’.