From The Office Of Information And Public Contentment…
…On The Eve Of Our Great Nation’s Civilian Census And Consolidation Programme.
Brothers and sisters, we sit at the brink of history, and will soon be embarking upon a great battle for our freedom. In preparation for this ultimate test of our way of life, we must be sure that we are safe from possible enemies hidden within, and to this aim your benevolent leader wants you to be aware of the dangers present within our own borders, so you can be vigilant.
Watch your friends. Observe your neighbours. Are they orange? Do they behave in any ways that might be described as orange?
Do the males have beards? Are their faces shaped differently from your own? Do they utter unfamiliar grunts of communication?
If so, they may be an orang utan.
If you have any doubt, contact the authorities. Do not attempt to engage them. Do not confront them. Consider them dangerous until their status is confirmed by the police.
They may seem harmless. You may have known them for many years. You may think to doubt the warnings of your government. But there are things you may not know about the orang utan among us.
The orang utan is orange, which is the colour of oppression. They are prone to long periods of laziness.
They mistreat their women, and they actively practice polygamy, which means they will try to steal yours.
The orang utan attracts enemy radar.
The orang utan is flippant, and only knows bad jokes. Worse, they deliberately spoil the punchlines of others. A nation unable to laugh at jokes is a nation undermined.
The orang utan breeds by injecting their spawn into the bellies of housepets, which they steal from the gardens of their neighbours. They also eat them for fun.
The orang utan are atheists, and in private mock our gods.
They smell of grapefruit, and an orang utan architect will always include too many toilets, or not enough, in the buildings they design.
The cul de sac, and the roundabout, were both invented by orang utans who had infiltrated government offices.
Your government only wants to talk to the orang utan, and ensure that they are unable to disrupt the war effort. They will only be rendered secure until our beloved nation is safe once again, and they will be treated with care that they might not afford us. Your leader is not cruel.
We have prepared resorts to which they will be removed over the next few days. Remember, do not confront them. Do not engage them. Do not hide them.
And Be Vigilant For Orange Fur.
