The Fosdyke Jones Annual Objectives Conference
It’s the Fosdyke Jones Annual Objective Conference next week and this is the symbol they’ve chosen: a bee. It’s on all the stationery, invites and posters for the conference and it’s supposed to represent us, the humble workers producing all this lovely golden honey of cash.
Likening me to an insect has just about topped off my humiliation at the hands of this corporation. If I could choose a symbol for their conference it would be a gallows.
My desk is the dustiest in the office, all the little pieces of me that have been ground away by working here. I’ve lost three inches off my height since I started here two years ago; they’ve either been ground to dust under someone else’s ego or leapt straight to my waist – food is my only comfort during a gruelling day under the corporate kosh. It seems to happen to everyone below senior management level: we call it the Fosdyke Jones Stone.
I wonder sometimes why I don’t leave. But I need the money and, you know, job-hunting is a fulltime job in itself. I thought about cocking a snook at them and rebelling in passive aggressive ways – stealing staples, giving the company appalling reviews on consumer websites, taking long, boozy lunches. But there’s very strict criteria where our bonuses are concerned and I’d be out on my ear if I got caught doing stuff like that, or, at the very least, they wouldn’t give me that extra juicy payment I’ve come to rely on every April. Somehow, somewhere along the way, having two tropical holidays each year, sending my kids to private school and getting a new car before the old one’s done more than 5000 miles has become more important than being ground to dust.