The Hangover


Give me bacon.

Hash browns. Sausages. Fried eggs. Toast. Mushrooms. Tomato. And bacon. More bacon. As much bacon as you can possible get on the plate. Bring a side plate if totally necessary. I don’t care. Spinach, too, yes, just a little, but not too much. If I eat too much I’m going to think about the consistency of it and that’s going to make me nauseous, and none of us want that at this point.

Not coffee. No coffee. Maybe some mineral water? No, better make that still water.

Dry toast first, please.

Tomato juice. Yes. Oh my God, I hope I didn’t say what I think I said last night. Or at least, I hope no one remembers. Salt. Pepper. No, no pepper. Salt. Lots of salt.

Gatorade! That’s it! Lots and lots of Gatorade. Rehydrate me. Flood my damaged cells with water and electrolytes and amino acids. B-vitamins. Can I get a shake, or something? Some kind of apple, berry, tomato, banana, mango, grape, orange, lemon, shake? And bacon. Throw some bacon in there too. I don’t care. I just want bacon. I need it.

My head really hurts. Please have sympathy on me. I’d have sympathy for you in this situation.

Sunlight. Problem. Sunglasses. Better.

Wheatgrass. Spirulina. It’s totally worth a shot.

This is horrible. This is truly horrible. I have never felt worse in my life.

I am never drinking again. I know, I know, I’ve said that before. I don’t care. This time I mean it. Maybe a couple of wines, or something, or a casual beer or two, but no. This is ridiculous. Why didn’t I learn in high school?

More bacon.

I just need to get this food down. Get my salt back. Hydrate. Repeat. I’ll feel fine tomorrow. Oh, God, why?

How much did I tip the cab driver last night? I thought I had more money than this in my wallet. I don’t care. You know what? I don’t care.

Jesus, that was a bad night’s sleep.

More bacon.

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Simon Smithson

Simon Smithson is an Australian writer who dreams of escaping from this prison continent. He writes both fiction and non-fiction, in print and online. He loves the Oxford Comma, or ‘list comma’ as it is sometimes known in less formal circles. He loves it like he loves TV, books, and the internet. He is currently enjoying writing for

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