Apparently, I’m a gift
Apparently, I’m a gift.
Them who have science and maths as their religion say it happens because of an imbalance in the multiverse when there isn’t a full-term body available. I say ‘say’ but it’s not really like that; nobody ‘says’ anything to anyone. And actually, there isn’t really ‘anybody’ or ‘anyone’ either; how they/we communicate with each ‘other’ is ridiculously difficult to articulate so this vocab will have to do for now. And I’m gonna stop using those quote marks cos they’re just confusing my little brain.
Of course, them who have religion as their religion have hundreds of different theories. Except none of them are theories and everyone’s actually right. Again, the quantum physics of religion is about as hard to rationalise as the philosophy of mathematics, the mathematics of philosophy or anything else. When you’re in this phase you kind of know everything but it just really hurts your brain to try and understand it.
The point (and it’s a most relevant point) is that I am here, and because I won’t be here for long, I don’t get wiped. And because I don’t get wiped, I’m laying here fully sentient inside a body so young that it shouldn’t even be born yet. Which is incidentally a body I can’t control.
And this blue light’s kinda doing my head in.
They’ve been here a lot I guess. Sense of time is apparently a learned and biological response to the world, so my temporal instincts are about as good as my bladder control. But they seem to be here most of the time, and they seem loved up, and they seem worried. I wish I could explain to them that they shouldn’t get attached to me but, you know, I can’t. So there ya go.
There’s a few others in here, but I have no idea which are like me and are never going to make it and which will pull through to the real start out there. Actually I have no idea whether I’m even on the ‘same’ planet I was on last time. Or will be next time. But I guess that’s all pretty academic anyway as I’m just here to kill time until there’s an opening. Like a train being held outside a station because it was running ahead of schedule.
God I feel like I should apologise to them for all of this now. I mean if this is how it works then the whole setup for this scenario and the pain they’re gonna go through in the next few days is just cos I got here too soon. Or weeks. Nobody told me know how long I actually have to be here, but I guess there would have been little point. I seem to alternate quite dramatically from feeling completely satisfied, to utterly restless and impatient, to comprehensibly exhausted and it feels like that’s been going on forever.
They remind me of my kids, these two. Which seems weird now I think about it, seeing as they’re actually my parents.
I really can’t help picking up on their moods, especially hers, and they’re looking anxious now which is a bit concerning. But there’s another light in the room which is much more welcoming than the one on the incubator though not as warming. No, it is as warming but… again… too hard to explain so not gonna bother. Docs are in the room now looking concerned too but I’m not really that interested any more and am already moving toward the new light. Which means it must be time. Wonder what I’ll be like this time around.
Rivka Jacobs
I had to read this story three times before I realized what was happening. You presented all the information and your presentation is consistent and clear, it’s just DISORIENTING! You are telling this from the POV of a transmigrating soul, and doing it expertly, taking the reader on an intense ride.
The setting is sad and moving; as a nurse I worked briefly in a neonatal ICU; and it’s true, at night there do seem to be these blue or purple illuminations about the incubators. And a constant atmosphere of anxiety, watchfulness, love, and care.
The mix of deeply-felt emotion and intellectual conceptualization is amazing. Are you the first to come up with the idea of the quantum mechanics of religion? “Except none of them are theories and everyone’s actually right.” Mind-bending, brilliant. I think the way you used the language and the concepts to describe the state of mind in this transit-state is perfect. So much packed into a short story!
Excellent work, George. You keep raising the bar around here!
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georgelondon
‘Transmigrating soul’ is a perfect phrase! Thanks as always for the great comment – apologies that I’m so far behind with replying to comments on my own pieces, let alone commenting anywhere else.
Very glad that both the disorientation and the clarity came through – I really hoped to capture that ‘knowing everything but it just really hurts your brain to try and understand it’, alongside the divorced facts of a sad situation – it seems like I did for you at least which is gratifying.
As for the ‘quantum mechanics of religion’, I have no idea. I think I googled it when I came up with it but didn’t find it, though did find the philosophy of mathematics/mathematics of philosophy – neither of which are really related to each other or meant what I expected them to.
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Bridgeen Gillespie
Really something else George. I loved this. It has a lovely tone. I liked the idea of this powerless ‘waiter’. And the line – ”Actually I have no idea whether I’m even on the ’same’ planet I was on last time. Or will be next time.” Reminds me of a question i once asked when i was young and trying to get my head around where i came in my family. I’m the last of seven, but i knew there had been a couple of miscarriages which seemed like ‘failed attempts’ before me.I remember asking my brother if one of them had been successful would that have been me? I was freaked to find out that I might not have existed if they had…….
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georgelondon
That whole thing about who we ‘are’ is a fascinating train of thought, but ultimately one we can’t really explore properly I guess. Without even getting into the different attitudes your parents and siblings had to you because of the miscarriages, what if even a different one of the same batch of millions of sperm fertilised the same egg? What would the differences be?..
Glad you like the tone. I was trying a voice out that didn’t quite sit anywhere in terms of accents – the closest I can describe it is like the way Mal talks on Firefly.
Thanks again for your thoughtful commenting!
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Pennie
Cuz I well like this one. I’ve read it a couple times now and it’s pretty damn awesome. I love the progression as you go down. I love the almost all knowing confusion
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georgelondon
‘All-knowing confusion’!! Yes! Exactly!
:-)
If God really is omniscient, that’s gotta drive a being nuts, hasn’t it? Maybe there’s a story there too actually…
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Simon Smithson
Yep – to agree with the chorus, really got into this, George. And it was well worth the re-reads I gave it to get my head around what was going on.
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georgelondon
Seems that a need to re-read is a repeating theme on this one! It’s fascinating how sometimes the pieces that flow right from the outset as you’re writing flow straight into the reader, and other times (like this one) they clearly don’t! Thanks Mr S.
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Steve
Mr. G. – quite stunning sir!
I twigged a few para’s from the end but what a vast ensemble of thought provoking ideas. The universal gathered within the smallest example of humanity, a touching tale told without soppy sentiment and involving some fascinating ideas (that seem to be just about right). How can any of us ever know what goes on in the minds of the new-born, what do they REALLY know?
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georgelondon
You’re a smart cookie Stevieboy. Reading it again just now, there really are an awful lot of ideas slung into one piece aren’t there?! That wasn’t deliberate but I think it turned out to be a major factor to provide (to quote Pennie above) that ‘all-knowing confusion’.
I really liked the concept that maybe a soul needs to retain its previous life for a while during the initial adjustment to a new body and then gets wiped, or that it retains it in the womb and is usually wiped on birth unless there’s no need (because it’ll be moving on again soon.
Was reminded just now while re-reading of Warren Beatty’s character in Heaven Can Wait (which I think was a remake of Goodbye Mister Jordan but can’t find it on IMDB so must have that title wrong)
Anyways. Thanks for coming over, reading, commenting and saying nice stuff about me! That’s our favourite kind of visitor!
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Nicolas Papaconstantinou
I think this might be a piece of work that works best without entirely comprehending it. I’ve read it through once, and settled into it quick enough, and the wealth of ideas means that it seems a shame to try and boil it down to one, definitive narrative.
Really sad, though, and really layered, and barring a couple of odd moments, a really satisfying read. I’m embracing the uncertainty, here!
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