An Embarrassing Toilet

One night my friend Jokkim was in the pub with his friend Voltron Baylee, drinking pints of Guinness with whiskey chasers. Baylee was telling Jokkim the story of Glenn Retsel passing out in a cinema toilet at four in the morning. As always when he told the story, Baylee had embellished it considerably. This version ended with Retsel being carried out of the building on a stretcher, his penis still hanging out as no one wanted to touch it.
Jokkim finished his ninth drink, then his tenth, and got up to go to the toilet. He pointed at Baylee with an unsteady hand. “Your round, creep!” he exclaimed in his best Robocop voice. “Have the drinks ready by the time I get back, or there will be… trouble.” And with that he turned, fell over a chair, got back up and made his way to the toilet.
Five minutes later, while Jokkim was in the middle of what seemed to be the longest piss he had ever taken, his phone started ringing. He took it out and squinted drunkenly at the screen. The number was unfamiliar. He pressed the answer button and propmptly dropped his phone into the urinal. Being drunk it took him a couple of seconds to figure out what had happened. Looking down, he saw the phone lying there in the urinal. He was pissing directly onto it.
“Aaagh!” he exclaimed, and attempted to direct his stream further left and pick the phone up. As his piss-stream showed no sign of letting up, this proved difficult. He tried turning to the side while bending down, but realised just in time that he was in danger of pissing onto his shoes. He tried arching his back and thrusting his hips out slightly while bending at the knees instead of the waist, and managed to pick up the phone without pissing directly on his hand. Eventually the stream dried up, and he ran over to the sink to wash the piss off the phone. It was only after he had submerged it in water that it occurred to him that this might not be such a great idea.
Jokkim turned off the tap and shook the phone. Then he removed the battery and the sim card, and dried them all under the hand dryer, then put them back together and attempted to switch the phone back on. There was a brief flicker of activity on the screen, then it turned off. He tried again three more times, each with the same result. The phone was fucked.

When Jokkim walked back into the bar he looked noticably glum.
“What’s wrong?” asked Baylee.
Jokkim picked up the fresh pint of Guinness that was waiting for him and took a sip. “I pissed on my phone,” he said ruefully.
“What, again?”

The next day was monday. Jokkim was two hours late for work , as he used his phone as an alarm clock. When he got in his manager took him aside to speak to him.
“So what happened this morning, Jokkim?” he asked.
“Um, I was late?”
The manager sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I know that,” he said. I was hoping you could tell me why.” “Oh, yes. Of course,” said Jokkim. “It is actually a funny story,” he said, smiling nervously. “I use my phone as alarm clock, and last night I pissed on it!” “You pissed on your phone?”
Jokkim nodded enthusiatically. He was smiling in a way that was meant to suggest light hearted jocularity, but in actual fact made the manager think that he was mentally impaired in some way. “Why the hell would you do that?”
“Because it was an accident?” said Jokkim, feeling slightly less sure of himself.
“Ah,” said the manager, the look of confusion leaving his face. Then he realised that it didn’t really explain anything, and the confusion returned. “Never mind that,” he snapped, “you’ll have to make up the hours.”
“Okay, not a problem,” said Jokkim. Eight hours later the manager caught him trying to sneak out early, and he was fired.

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Schmurgen Jonerhaffs

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