The Day we stole the Shopping Troletys

I remember it well. The moon shined in the sky like a giant electric fleshlight, frost lay on the grass like a man whose just been hit by a firework on the noggin. And me and my best friend Franj stole two shopping trolleys.

Franj is a funny man. He once shit himself in a cinema after watching a horror film and eating a curry and drinking ten beers. He keeps forgetting he has told me this and tells me it again. I act surprised every time.

That is not all he has in common with the main charcter from Memento, though. He also has tattoos on his thighs. He has a beard. I can’t remember if the charcter from Memento has a beard.

He didn’t kill his wife though. At least not yet. Sorry if you’ve not seen Memento! Also sorry if you’re going to marry Franj!

So anyway we steal these two shopping trolleys from outside Asda. It was about two in the morning and we had been drinking Guinness all night in a very cheap pub with cardboard walls and a barmaid with a mustache (Franj tried to kiss her, but she had some standards and refused).

We rode the trolleys to the top of a hill and dared each other to go down it. As we’d been drinking for about ten hours there was no need to dare each other at all, it was all we wanted in the world. I will never forget the joy I felt as I plummeted towards the bottom.

I don’t remember what happened next but when I woke up I had no front teeth and Franj had no trousers. And was upside down. His legs, dangling from his fallen and broken body. As I spat the blood from my gaping mouth into the pavement and looked for my pearl whites, I spotted the tattoos.

‘Optimus Prime!’ I said.
‘Yeah, he laughed ‘I have Megatron on the other thigh he said, pulling his legs apart.
My admiration faltared as I also saw where my two missing teeth had ended up.

And that is why I have no front teeth.
But really do not marry Franj.

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Schmurgen Jonerhaffs

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