Jurgen Schmonerhaffs lived for one thing and one thing only… To have a great comic convention named after him that womenwanted to go to and men wanted to be him at. And the convention had to be named after him. So he gave birth to an event that made grown men pant-chunder in cinemas and women beg to be treated ‘just like they say in Blue Peter’. And so Jurgencon was born.
The first was a great success, but unfortunately Jurgen was stabbed in his leg, very near his pee pee by a girl he once loved more than jundherjaffs. It was only at the hospital when the nurse asked if Jurgen was Jewish that Jurgen realised that he had lost his foreskin.
By the time they managed to reattach it Jurgencon was over. So he had another. And that was what was happening now!
Jurgen Schmonerhaffs looked around. He never excpected the second Jurgencon to be this popular, especially as there was the Hurningbam International Comics Show happening at the other side of the country at the same day! He reached for his tenth cider (they had run out of pear cider at the bar so now he was on summer fruits) and turned to the young couple who had come in nowing nothing about comics, and continuted his sales pitch- “This is the Smelly Bottom Chronicles, by my friend Beyvid Dailey. It is hilarious and heartfelt account of the time he ran out of toilet paper.”
Oh how I’d like to have sexual congress with this cartoonist the hot young lady part of the couple said as her boyfriend fumed jealously. Luckily Beyvid Dailey is as tough as a lady dressing cage fighter so he had nothing to worry about. Lan Dester’s comic was a tougher sell. “This is Ponies Probably Masturbate, it contains many sick jokes about dead and disfigured people, and occasionally a spinning penis”. At that moment Sleazy Lan Dester showed up and demonstrated that the spinning penis part of his comic was actually autobiography.
It was then that things got crazeeeee…
Jurgen clutched the side of his head, and looked down at the biscuit tin that had just bounced off of of it. Across the room, Jim Scroven was grinning malevelentoley like a man with bad intentionals. Jurgen was going to get angry but then realised that there were still biscuits in the tin so he shoved them all in his mouth he was so hungry, and washed them down with guinness (the bar had by this point run out of all kinds of cider.) Then he turned the music up and everyone started dancing like crazed midget bikers with incontinence problems. “So far so good!” he though before tripping over a table.
At this point he realised that he hadn’t even spoken to any of the famose people who had been there all day drinking and admiring the crazy sexy posters (and by famose I do NOT mean that they write for 200AD or Dictor Who, like some of the people Jurgen knows! Pah!) David Lloyd was there – he did a movie called V For Vendetta, but he is wearing a mask throughout so you can’t tell it is him. Well he was there telling a very interesting story about the film, but unfortunately it was so long that everyone left. He did not realise and when he finally looked up from his drink everyone had gone home except Azoo Seanopardo, who was busy iPhoning his toenails to a sexy lady he had met on the internet. ‘What?’ said Azoo, suddenly realising he’d missed something.
Warren Ellis was also there, but we won’t talk about him as he once killed a hooker.
But Jurgen realised that his hero, the great Bryan Talbot had also come to Jurgencon. ‘Wow’ thought Jurgen, ‘I wonder if I could speak to him and get a response? Maybe he could explain to me what happened in my third favourite graphic novel from the eighties – Luther Akrwright!’ And so Jurgen went to bar and got himself a new pint of Bicardi Breezer (they had now run out of Guinnes, which is just as well as Mike Carey kept sticking his nose in all the Guinnesses) and approached Bryan Talkbot. His guts got nervous and his bottom hole starting tooting the theme tune to Taxi.
‘What will I say to him?’ he thought as he reached out his hand and was about to say hello to his hero Bryan Talbot.
And then he woke up on a bridge in Bristol.
And that, my friends, was Jurgencon 2!