Look Into Darkness!!!

Contributed by Schmurgen Jonerhaffs on 05/08/09

John stood there, his underpants covering his gentals barely. He had lost his trousers and shoes after the flight home. No one knew how. It didn’t matter now.
At least he hadn’t been stabbed. And thrown in a river. And then eaten a bit by ducks.
Not like Peter!

He hadn’t realised how fat Peter was. But now with no clothes on he could see the rolls of lard folding over his body like the babies of cows climbing over their tired mother. Looking for milk. What the fuck had happened? He remembered dinner in the hotel. Peter had the kebab and he had the steak and chips. They drunk a lot. The details returned to him one by one, like dominos falling off an old person’s table as they cough up phlegm.

One.
By One.

Oh Peter! Why had you said that terrible thing to Julie? Especially now that everyone can see you have been wearing a girdle yourself!
Peter. Fat. Dead. Peter.

The cold wind bit at his knees and up his shorts (which were made of cotton and had Mickey Mouse on them and were a little damp from whatever he had done in them last night) and he remembered the sordid details of last night. Peter had done so many things that he would probably regret if he were still alive.

John was curled up in a ball, sobbing like a middle aged man at a funeral, when he felt a strong light on him. He looked up to see a ufo, and emerging from it was the wrestler Ultimate Warrior, looking older than in the glory days of the late 80s and early 90s and his ongoing feud with Hollywood Hulk Hogan, but still big and mean, with facepaint.

John was about to call him by his real name of Jim Hellwig, but then remembered that the Ultimate Warrior had changed his name legally to Warrior a few years ago, so that would be the only correct way to address him.

“Mr Warrior!” He shouted respectfully. “What are you doing here?”

“A destiny at the next level. A destiny beckoning the next SUPERHERO! There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalizes adolescent behavior to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions!”

“I don’t understand.”

The Warrior glowered at him, snorted angrily, then said, “The frequencies in my head cannot be understood by normals! Feel The Power Of The Warriooooooorrrrrr!!!!!!”

“What?”

“The family tha I live for only breathes the air that smells of combat! With or without the facepaint, I am the Ultimate Warrior!!!”

And then he vanished back into the ufo, which then took off int the sky. John remembered his situation, and what had happened to Peter, but he didn’t feel bad aanymore. He felt the sense of reinvigoration and newfound appreciation of life that always comes after meeting the Ultimate Warrior. He set off down towards the road to see if he could get a lift home.