The final part of Steve Trillogy
‘Exersion is admirable and is what makes a man a man’ Steve’s Physcal Education teacher Mr Osskey had told him when he was five. Steve wasn’t remembering this when he was on the loo that fateful day, but if he had been its doubtful he could have pushed any harder.
Many things go through a man’s mind when he sits on the toilet, any man will tell you. This is even more true if you are on the toilet for a whole day. (It is worth noting that this is not any kind record. According to Guiness, that is held by a man from South Korea called Korn Sun Haung who once occupeid one for 136 days). That fateful day Steve thought of many things.
He though about his life and where it was going. He thought about his family, and how sad it was to see his parents grow old (especially his father who now farted uncontrollably, espacially when soaps or games shows were on telly). He thought about a cartoon he had watched when he was pre-school. It had a robot in it and a man with a beard. How the fuck would he find that on Google afterwards he wondered?
And finally Steve remembered his idol, the one he’d joked about earlier. Michael Jackson was dead. How strange it was to be living in a world in that Michael was not.
He didn’t have to worry about that for long though as, with one final almighty push, he simultaneously suffered a brain and anal heamorage that killed him instantly.
As his body grew cold his spirit was lifted into a tunnel of light. And at the end of that tunnel a figure stretched out his arms, a seventies style disco outfit fluttered in the wind.
‘Michael? Is that you?’ he said.
But it wasn’t. Closer still, he could see some facial hair.
‘Jesus!’ he said. But it wasn’t.
The little robot gave the game away.
‘What was the name of the cartoon you both starred in when I was pre-school?’ Steve begged.
But they could not not answer, proving that the whole thing was a final hallucination of the dying brain of a man who had expired upon a toilet.
STEVE’s END
Dan Lester
Awesome and powerful, like a mexican god.
Reply
Chevros Baillios
This is so true to life that I’m convinced you were sat on the toilet when you wrote it.
Reply
Rivka Jacobs
A very funny piece of work. I like the unconscious Freudian connection here between Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley, who did die on the toilet. Or maybe this is MY unconscious Freudian connection. (You know, Michael was the King of Pop, Elvis was the King, Michael was married to Lisa Marie, Elvis’ daughter…)
Okay, anyway, funny that poor Steve, in his dying moments, only wanted to know what the name of his childhood cartoon was, and was in the end denied even that.
Reply