A Lucky Escape

Anthon Leiber was a hungry man. His hunger was like a hurricane. I mean it was big. It didn’t destroy any property.
At least not yet.

Anthon Leiber’s second problem was that he was dyslexic. Not just usual dysleixc – you know confusing d’s and d’s, that sort of thing, he was properly dyslexxc.

I’m not going to go into how Anthon became the famous writer, that’s a story for a future day, but now I’d like to tell you about what happened the night he left his favourite pub in Camden (the Horny Celeb) in search of kebab. Anthon’s friend, Toothless Tim (not many people know but Toothless Tim actually has teeth – it’s just that they are black and difficult to see inside his smelly mouth) told him that the best Kebab to be had in all of London was in a place called ‘Favorite Kebab’ on the High Street. So this is where Anthon went.

He crossed the road without looking, his hunger taking over all his body functions, his liver shuddered, his intestines coughed, his eyeballs shimmied, and a giant ten ton bus hooted it’s horn at him. His anus let go fifteen square centimetres of methane. But as luck would have it, when he did get to the other side he was facing the entrance to the Favorite Kebab shop.

or so he thought. The sign actually said ‘Sauna – Sexy Massage To Be Had Here’

Now it should be mentioned also that Anton’s dyslexias were not always big problems, except whem he was drunk. And tonight he was as drunk as a pinneapple chunk which has been used as the garnish in a cocomacoque. It was alwasy the case that when he was drunkest his hunger was most powerful.

He stumbled through the door and found himself in a small entrance foyer. A middle aged woman with great lots of make up was sat behind a reception desk. Anthon staggered up to it and tried to focus on the menu behind her,  which was very difficult to do because there wasn’t one.

“Can I help you, sir?” she inquired.

“Yeah,” said Anton, “I want something hot and spicy.”

“I’m sure we can accomodate you,” said the woman.

“Covered in chili sauce!” he added hungriely.

The woman winked knowingly and said assuringly “Don’t worry sir, We cater to all tastes.”

“Great!” ejaculated Anthon.  “Can I also have two vegetable samosas and a Cherry Coke?”

Shortly after that, Anthon was kicked out into the street. And even less shortly after that, just as Anton was finding the real Kebab shop the sexy massage place was raided by police! A lucky escape, as Anthon later described it. Although I sometimes suspect that he just saw raid from the kebab shop and made up the rest. But I donot mind because we such good friends!

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Schmurgen Jonerhaffs

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