Body Pillow
She was awake too, two bodies over. We had a rhythm going. I’d breathe in, and she’d sigh.
The floor was cold, but with four of us under the comforter I began to sweat.
The comforter was really soft. I remember that. It’s one of those details that really takes me back there. You know how you can taste orange a little bit when you think about them? I can feel that comforter. It had down in it, and you could wrap it around and put your head on it like a pillow, which was helpful since we didn’t have pillows.
No idea why. Lived there two months, and not once ran to the department store to buy a pillow. Or Target. Wal-Mart even. I always thought of it come bedtime. I’d think to myself I should have stopped while I was out, or even while I had been there taking back a shirt we’d stolen. Helpful round Christmas time, lots of returns sans receipt. In-store credit only, but it was always easier to steal things we didn’t want than things we did.
Never stole a pillow.
The week after I left, I ran into her at Tom’s. It wasn’t where we first met, but she sat down and after we talked for awhile, she said the floor was colder with me gone.
I told her it wasn’t the floor that was cold.
Man, I thought that was brilliant. The kind of line you save up, waiting for an opening to present itself. That’d show her I was over her, that I was gone.
She had a really sad smile sometimes, when she didn’t know anybody was looking. I think all girls have that smile, actually, but hers was the open beta.
She didn’t do the sad smile.
She kept on talking.
Later, in my bed, on my mattress, after two different bars, a dance club I had no interest in going to, and finally Tom’s again, for an influx of coffee, black, proving that neither of us would ever be sommeliers, we had no rhythm.
The beat was broken. I breathed in, and she started just after me. Her sigh interrupted my sharp nasal intake. Did we just need someone in between to slow down the signals?
I turned and hugged my new pillow as I drifted off to sleep.
Esus
Can I be brutally honest here?
I’ve read your pieces every time you’ve posted them and have never commented before on here, Matthew. It’s not that I don’t think your work is worth critiquing nor criticizing, it’s just that it’s all quite enjoyable and there’s very little to say because of the definiteness of each piece you seem to write. It’s all so on-point that it’s hard to do so otherwise.
But this piece here is really special to me.
Like a really good piece of acting on film, whether this is really you speaking from the heart or some person you’ve created, I clearly cannot tell the difference. Not only this, but I can completely know where you’re coming from here despite whether it is character/reality.
My ex-girlfriend never slept with pillows and every time I slept over there I swore I’d buy myself a pillow because it was hard to sleep with her in the same bed despite the comfort and bodies touching. I have never underestimated the beauty of sleep and the pillow itself since then.
Perhaps then it’s only fitting that this is the first piece of literature online that’s actually made me shed a tear (or three). Not only for the personalization of the situation, but the pacing of the writing as well. I’ve lived this piece my entire life and whether or not this is just a character to you, it all feels so real from the reader’s side. God bless you.
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Matthew Hartwell
Esus,
I’m immensely flattered and humbled by your thoughts on this piece.
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Cyn
This is lovely Matthew. I agree with the comment above re: pacing except, as is often true, you rush the end, slightly diminishing its punch. The first two longer paragraphs have the perfect mix of information delivery and languidity? -ness? whatever. I think from the moment she doesn’t give the sad smile to the end can use a bit of elongating.
And the oh-so-petty but necessary: add an ‘e’ to breath, and check your subject/verb agreement in the line about oranges, oh and never ever forget how much easier it is to find ways to criticize the near-perfect piece :o)
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Nicolas Papaconstantinou
Good final point, that, Cyn. It’s an important thing to note when receiving criticism.
You give good critique, incidentally. Good support for a writer to have!
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Cyn
Aw thanks Nicolas. Matt is a dear friend and former student (and soon to be neighbor!), and even though I was never his teacher I can’t quite get past the urge to nudge him ever closer to greatness.
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Nicolas Papaconstantinou
Well, feel free to turn your attention on any of the other authors here, too! A few times, we’ve discussed being more constructively critical of each other’s work – though that conversation predates most of the current contributors!
As it’s turned out, though, we tend to be quite soft on each other. Which is daft, because I think we’re all pretty thick skinned and would appreciate the insight…
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Matthew Hartwell
Cyn,
Thank you for your dedication to reading these every week! As always, you know I am extremely appreciative of your insights. I think sometimes I get caught up exuding in the feeling of the piece that I neglect the details of its structure (a problem I sometimes have with film, as well). Something I’m definitely working on, most notably with the most recent piece, Background Levels.
Also, I fixed breath to breathe (I do know the difference, I just need to resolve to proof-read, as I’m a terrible typist!).
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Cyn
Wait, you’re a terrible typist and yet someone is paying you to transcribe? You have GOT to hook me up with your employer when I get to town.
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Matthew Hartwell
Oddly, I’m only terrible when I’m excited about something, as I rush to make it all be on the page. When I’m transcribing alcoholics yelling at their wives and then asking them if they can borrow money, I’m extremely proficient, as my brain slows down to algae speed.
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Kevin
Wait… so this didn’t really happen? Because it felt like it did. A prime example of showcasing a character’s feelings without having him spell it all out in dialogue. Which is to say, one of my favorite types of dialogue (the others being dis-associative, cryptic prophecy speak and good ol’ fashioned technobabble).
You’re on your way, young man. Mickey Spillane? Screw ‘em.
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Matthew Hartwell
Kevin, I believe we can refer ourselves to the wisdom of The Sandman, “Things need not have happened to be true.” Thank you for your attention and insight.
Of course, the best cryptic prophecy speak is that done in technobabble.
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Andrew Cheverton
Lovely and authentic, especially the wonderful line about oranges. I would agree with Cyn (Cyn – do you mean ‘languor’?) that the ending kind of sprints a little, even though the sentence lengths don’t change much, which gives a funny pace to it.
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Matthew Hartwell
The consensus seems to be that the pace is uneven, though the tone is in the right spot. The tone, I think, demands the slower pace of the beginning, which means it might weaken because of the rushing of the ending.
This is one of the few pieces I see myself coming back to later on to fix up, thanks in part to your comments, Andrew! We miss you dearly.
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Nicolas Papaconstantinou
I recognise this scenario, somehow, even though I don’t think I’ve ever been in the exact same situation.
Which I guess means you did a damn fine job, sir!
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Matthew Hartwell
Thank you, Nick.
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