Dear Mr Baillie

Thank you for your letter dated the 16th of November. Your continued interest in Marvel Comics and Marvel Entertainment Properties Ltd is much appreciated.

It is with regret that I must inform you that we cannot make use of your ideas on this occasion.

As I’m sure you will understand, we simply don’t have the time or resources required to respond to every query letter and pitch we receive on an individual basis, but we feel that in this particular case it might be worth pointing out a few things about the material you submitted.

Spider-Man’s secret civilian identity is Peter Parker, and not Tobey McGuire as you seem to believe. This may go some way to explaining the ‘plot holes’ you so enthusiastically sought to fill by having him share the role of ‘Manhattan’s favourite web squirter’ with Tom Hanks, Ted Danson and Whoopie Goldberg when Mr McGuire is off ‘in Hollywood making the big bucks that keeps him in the Mary Jane he is accustomed to,’ as you so eloquently put it.

The Incredible Hulk is an all ages comic and, as such, would not be suitable for the full-frontal male nudity you called for in pages 1-5, 7, 9, 15, 12-19 and 22 of your proposed script. There is also no history of him having any of the appetites you attribute to him without explanation. We’re not even sure it’s physically possible to do some of those things. But thanks for the diagrams.

Some other observations that come to mind as I flick through the hundreds of pages you sent us:
Iron Man’s armour is not currently, never has been, and never will be made of cheese, which unfortunately invalidates the entire premise of the story you had hoped to write for us.
Superman and Batman are property of DC Comics.
Luke Skywalker belongs to Lucasfilm.
I’m not sure Woody Allen would want to join the X-Men.
There is no such character as Spider-Dog.
The She Hulk would not wear that.

And, perhaps most importantly:
While we agree that Captain America would indeed be ‘hungrier than any man who had ever before walked the Earth’ after waking from being in cryogenic suspension since WWII, we doubt he would have actually eaten The Sub-Mariner, leaving only ‘those daft feathers and the green Speedos’. And even if he did, we really doubt you could get a twelve issue maxi-series out of it.

Good luck in your future endeavours
Might we suggest you try DC Comics next time?

Your friend
Stan Lee

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davidbaillie

David Baillie is a freelance writer and artist. Born almost thirty years ago in Scotland, he now lives and works in the East End of London.

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