Space Rabbi

I just woke up. My head feels awful, like mince in a polythene bag – my brain meat threatening to poke through gaps in the long chain hydrocarbon mesh… It’s at times like this I wish I were Eli Finkelstein – Space Rabbi. He had a number of catchphrases but perhaps his most famous was, ‘If one man calls you a donkey, ignore him. If two men call you a donkey, think about it. If three men call you a donkey, buy a saddle!’

Finkelstein, you see, despite being semi-fictional in nature, was –


‘Are we okay?’
‘Yeah. Sure. I think so. Why, don’t you think we’re okay?’
‘I think we’ve been better.’
‘We’ve been better individually. That’s all.’


I wanted to see if it was a boy or a girl before I watched it wiggle up the stairs ahead of me. I scampered forward, but not quite fast enough. I could make out a slender profile. Still kinda ambiguous. A bit androgynous. I decided to watch anyway, and if it turned out to be a guy, not be too hard on myself about it.


Pain more than you can handle? I bet it is. Phone now for your free PainBeGone gel – only available from FatCorp, the world’s largest pharmaceutical company. Trust us. You know you want to.
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‘Well if you’re going to eat pork, makes sure it’s the best!’
‘And you might as well get it all over your beard!’
‘That’s why we get on so well, Eli. Despite being from entirely different planets, we think such similar thoughts.’

‘Sheila – come quick. Space Rabbi’s on!’
‘Oh my God, I haven’t seen this in years. Didn’t I read somewhere that it was based on a real Rabbi?’
‘Yeah. Invented his own little flying saucer. I think this guy’s an actor though.’
‘The blue one with three eyes?’
‘Yeah. Him too.’

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David Baillie is a freelance writer and artist. Born almost thirty years ago in Scotland, he now lives and works in the East End of London.

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